You should talk to your therapist about sex

Mary Feamster
2 min readMar 3, 2023

Sorry for “shoulding” on you.

I need to make this announcement : You should be talking to your therapist about sex!

This keeps happening to me: I have a client who has been with me for a while. We’re developing trust, working hard, making progress. One day, usually after lots of work and lots of relationship building, they say something like “ um…. uh… it is ok if I.. you know… talk to you about sex? Is that ok?”

The answer is, and will always be, yes.

Generally, if we’ve come to this point, it means that the client has already worked through a lot of internal shame and doubt to get to the point of opening up… because they tend to feel like talking about sex is wrong, or dirty, or shameful. And that means we have so much work to do together to unpack the shame, and the doubt, and the ways they have learned that sex is bad or wrong or shameful.

I want to live in a world where we can talk more openly about sex. This is absolutely foundational to creating a society where people are having good, healthy sex AND not having unhealthy, harmful, risky, or painful sex. Talking about sex equips people to understand themselves, their partners, and their needs more fully. I want my kids to understand their bodies, to know how to have sex that is wanted and consensual, pleasant, and right for them. I want them to know what an enthusiastic yes feels like so they are also ready to say no whenever they need to. In general, I’d say we’re pretty far away from that world right now.

Most of my clients are navigating really hard issues when it comes to sex. Past traumas, body shame, difficulty communicating needs in a healthy way. There is so much good work we can do together in therapy. My goal is to provide safety and validation so that important parts of these conversations carry out of the therapy session to be continued with partners, friends, siblings- it can be so healthy and healing to talk about sex.

Please know that it is a great idea to talk to your therapist about sex.

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Mary Feamster

Therapist, momma, lover of the outdoors. Here to talk openly about mental health.